Whatcha Doin' Daddy? - Little Johnny's dad is sitting on the side of the bed rolling on a condom about to give his girlfriend some. Little Johnny sticks his head in the door, sees his dad and says, "Whatcha doin' daddy?" Johnny's dad stoops over to cover-up his dick and starts looking at the floor. "Oh I'm just looking for this big rat I saw." he says. Little Johnny says, "Whatcha gonna do, fuck it?"
No rest on this island - A group of people were in a shipwreck and were stranded on an island. The group consisted of 12 women and 1 man. After a few months, the women grew horny and it was decided that the man needed to take two women a day and they allowed him to have Sundays off. One day on a day off, he was just relaxing when he noticed a boat nearing. He felt hopeful that maybe they would be rescued, at last. The boat was almost to the island when the guy noticed it was a man in the boat. As he got out the first guy said "Oh my God buddy, am I ever glad to see YOU, To which the second guy responded "Well alright sweetie! It's been a long time for me too. The first man exclimed "Oh hell, there go my Sundays!"
A Day in the life of two trees - Tree 1 "Hey look, Mother Nature's coming!" Tree 2 "Look busy."
What do you call a gay dinosaur? - What do you call a gay dinosaur? A megasorass.
No Fishing! - A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, "Is this guy blind or what?" "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?" "But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman. "I didn't even touch you," growls the sheriff. "Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ..." Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!
Little johnny at school 2 - Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
Condom Brands - Which condom would you use.... Nike Condoms: Just do it. Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling. Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby. Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop. Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker. Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing. Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple. Ford Condoms: The best never rest. Chevy Condoms: Like a rock. Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did? New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know. California Lotto Condoms: Who's next? Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever. KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good. Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing. Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one. Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good. The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face... General Electric: We bring good things to life! AT&T condom: 'Reach out and touch someone.' Bounty: The quicker picker upper. Microsoft: where do you want to go today ? Energizer: It keeps going and going and going.... M&M condom: 'It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!' Chevron: use them? people do. Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border MCI: for friends and family Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun! The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are United Airlines travel pack: Fly United The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before Wendy Condoms: Where's the beef? Denny's Condoms: $1.99 Grand Slam Mazda Condom: It Just Feels Right! Maxwell House: Good to the last drop! McDonalds condom: Over 99 billion served Hewlett Packard condoms: Expanding Possibilities Burger King: Have it your way Dairy Queen: We treat you right AOL: So easy to use, no wonder it's #1
The chicken/road across history - Why did the chicken cross the road?: JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that. PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American. DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told! ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability. SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. RONALD REAGAN: What chicken? CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it? MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken. EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please? IMMANUEL KANT: The chicken was acting out of a sense of duty to cross the road, as chickens have traditionally crossed roads throughout history. THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one? RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.
Bull Talk - Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them. First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't givin' him any of mine." Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'em till I run him off or kill 'im, but I AM KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS." Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows." They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point. First Bull: "You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend." Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting -- the bull's equivalent of an Ape's beating his chest or Man's bone-chilling, war-like cry of "Stay away from my Woman, Vato!! First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." Third Bull: "Hell , Mister, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"
Why were blondes created? - Q: Why were blondes created? A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge
Hillary and... - Q: What does Hillary Clinton and Tampons have in common? A: "They are both stuck-up cunts!"
Blonde quickies 81-100 - 81. Q: What do you call a hooker and four blondes? A: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks. 82. Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob? A: 'Cause everybody gets a turn. 83. Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks? A: 'Cause she's been laid all over the country. 84. Q: What important question does a blonde ask his/her mate before having sex? A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate? 85. Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm? A: *Who cares?* 86. Q: Why do blonds have orgasms ? A: So they know when to stop having sex ! 87. Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm???? A1: She drops her nail-file!!! A2: Who cares? A3: She say 'Next' A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes A6: The batteries have run out. 88. Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? A1: They can't remember the number. A2: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons. 89. Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? A: "Thanks for the refill!" 90. Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear? A: Data transfer. 91. Q: Why do blondes have more fun? A: Because they don't know any better. A: They are easier to keep amused. 92. Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? A1: "What's a lightbulb?" A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her. A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!" 93. Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine? A: "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!" 94. Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes? A: A whine cellar. 95. Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? A: She moved. 96. Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common? A1: They both have a black box. A2: Both have a cockpit. 97. Q: What is the difference between a blond and a 747? A: Not everyone has been in a 747 98. Q: What does a dumb blonde say when she gives birth? A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine? 99. Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? A: "Are you sure it's mine?" 100. Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant? A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
Will the real dummy stand up! - I give all of these people a DUH! - DOH! - & Woo-hoo! HANDS-DOWN WINNER OF THE IDIOT CORPORATION AWARD! AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. (Let that be a lesson to him!) WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS! Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up. (No one ever said you had to be "smart" to be a cop.) NOW THIS SOUNDS LIKE IT WAS PLANNED OUT WELL...NOT! An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account. (Maybe he should have pretended to have a brain!) WHEN YOU THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY...READ THIS Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year, "said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..." (...hmmm, could this be the Illinois guy?) NOW THIS IS WHAT I CONSIDER A DEDICATED CROOK! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. (Wonder if he paid himself time and 1/2 for the overtime?) I WANNA BE A BRAIN SURGEON WHEN I GROW UP! In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain. (After his hospital stay, he was immediately enrolled in law school!) FOOT IN MOUTH...UP TO THE KNEE! Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!" (Turns out, the witness was Blonde and didn't pick him!) NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (Banks should keep Monopoly money on hand for these bright crooks.)
Numbers - Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9!
Redneck Bonanza! - Q: What do a redneck divorce and a tornado have in common? A: Either way somebody loses a trailer home! You know you're a redneck if your wife wants to take a bath but you have to move the transmision from the tub first. You know you're a red neck when you go to family reunions to pick up chicks! If you've been married three times and your in-laws aint changed then you might just be a redneck. If a sign reads say no to crack and you pull up your pants then you might just be a redneck. You know you are redneck when you mow your lawn and find a car. You know you are redneck when your favorite shirt is illegal in more then 15 states. You know you are redneck when you shut your car door and your gun makes you a sun-roof. You know you are redneck when your friends go water skiing while you are towing your boat to the lake. You might be a redneck if your exhaust system incorporates more than three wire hangers and at least two juice cans. You might be a redneck if you think "fat-free" means undoing your belt and the first 3 buttons. You know you're a redneck when you think marriage vows are what your father-in-law promised to do to you if you didn't marry his daughter. You might be a redneck if an intimate evening at home consists of sharing the remote. You might be a redneck if it's easier to rotate your home than your TV antenna. You might be a redneck if you use old newspapers in more than 3 ways in your home. You know you're a redneck if you stare at the Orange Juice container because it says "Concentrate." You know you're a redneck when some one yells "hoe down" and your wife drops to the floor! You might be a redneck if you can relate to the following statements: 1) "Nothing says lovin' like lovin’ your cousin!" 2) "Why go across town when you can go across the hall?" 3) "If you can't keep it in the pants then keep it in the family." You know you're a redneck when your family tree is a wreath. You know your a redneck when your town priest is also your town plummer. You know you're a redneck when you're front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs. You have a home that is mobil and 14 cars that aren't. You know you're a redneck when you have seven cars in your driveway, but only one works. What was the last thing the redneck said before he died? "Hey y'all, watch this!" You know your a redneck if your Thanksgiving turkey was once a family pet! You might be a redneck if you wear cowboy boots with shorts.